Today there wont be any pictures or happy thoughts. Today is a dark day for all of human beings. Cause every time a woman raped it is a dark day! If we mourned for each woman rape there will be no single day of happiness but 365 days or mourning!
Just a couple of hours ago i made a peace with my friend with whom i had a coflict. We havent spoken for like a month. I decided yesterday to come to a peace, its adhd, its suddenly changing direction and voala iam no longer angry 😁 she was so happy to hear that and very quickly we became just like we used to , spontanious girls.., she asked me if we should go out and dance tonight. I said YES, yes and yes and yes. Like little kids we started to make plans and got exalted. We were to meet in five hours and we had a plan 🥳🥳😊😃
Of course plan A has changed to plan B and then plan C 😁 it is very normal for ppl with diagnos, we seem to be spontanious but in the reality each change of plans gives us a kick , a dosage of dopamin that makes us feel good. Who cares about plans? We are to have fucking fun tonight! Yippiii🥳🥳🥳
When we met we were hugging and talking nonstop. I havent heard from her for a month but now we are back. Bitches are back and loaded 🥳💥💣💫 We were sitting in a train a bubbling nonstop. Sharing. Like we used to. Then we were to take a bus and seating all alone on the bench at a bus stop, next to each other, appreciating the moment we havent had for a month. I saw her eyes and they looked good, shiny. But then she said quietly, i was raped three weeks ago. As if this was a normal thing to happen, so cold, emotionless.
From the moment she said i stopped feeling anything, like mutilated. distant. Cold. She was talking in pieces. Like short memories of what happened. There were no story just pieces of memory. Back and forth.. I felt like police with my stupid questions. Did u report him? Was he drunk? Did u say no? And u might think that something was wrong with me. Why didnt i hug her instead? Why didnt i tell her something warm? Why?
U see i am coming from a violent undeveloped culture where rapes take place and rarely reported. I stopped feeling anything long ago when word rape comes. Because if u allow urself to feel anything over there then u will be dead mentally and even physically. U have to mute feeling part and try to survive. There is no other way.
In the bus i was again shallowminded, i still couldnt get into understanding and supportive position. I realised that i have nothing to give her to ease her pain. I am worthless. U cant give a comfort to a raped woman. And you should never ever, never ever ever ask her anything starting with " why didnt u...?" Never do that.
While in the train i felt like i could give her one thing to make her feel that she didnt do anything wrong cause her story sounded like explanation of her actions. She is already there without knowing it. So i sharedto her a private thing. Long ago i had described in my old diary how i was violated, i wasnt raped but violated. an old man did something that he shouldnt have done. I told her it happened 25 years ago , nevertheless, i feel it like yesterday and i have no explanation and ask same question today : why did i freeze when it happened? Why didnt i do anything to stop? My toungue was like not there and my body were paralised so that he could do what he did. Her eyes got warmer and new part of her memory came out as she started to feel i have understanding to the same questions she might have been asking herself for the past three weeks. Could i have done it differently? Why didnt i resist? Did i allow him to do that? And now she knows that these questions are going to chase her but she is not alone..
She registered rape in medical institution but havent had mood to report to police. She is scared i guess. The guy is from other country, undeveloped country on undeveloped continent. She shows me pictures of her body, bruises, blue marks ,he was holding her by force. Welltrained man, works for security most probably, taking steroids she said cause he showed behavioral signs before. Then I noticed that her voice is changing, she sounds like she is telling someone else story and i know, she has muted all her feelings. She is now just like we, women from undeveloped countries where men often go beyond acceptable behaviour.. and i felt like a cancer spreading outside undeveloped countries borders. I am a cancer.
This woman grew up in mild european conditions, where women are more equal to men. But then men from undeveloped countries come and refuse to accept equality, they want to show us our place and for that he had to force himself to her anal and then urinate all over her, see her helpless on the floor and enjoy the view. And the most important thing is that she was in love with him and he was in love with her. I am not joking, its true. Can you please explain me what kind of love is this? Whats wrong with love? Romeo and Juliett? Bonny and Clyde? Maybe it wasnt a love, but rapes? Where love ends and rape comes? I am the worse person to ask about love but this is not love !!!
And she still cant understand. She tells me, do u know he believes in God and goes to church every Sunday? He believes in hell and paradise ! Well, my dear, may he burn in hell in all eternitu! If he is scared to get to hell he just bought a ticket to the first row seats in hell. Many ppm think that by believing in God a person is purer, better than all we are, nonbelievers. They are not. Faith cant wash away the dirt a soul bear. Not possible!
We are in the club and i try to be like before. She wanted to come out after three weeks of isolation. She needs a break from dark hole, she needs to climb out of it. While dancing I watch her all the time. She is trying over and over again to dance but gives up. Alcohol started to make my muted parts eventually to sound and suddenly i saw her seating in the corner watching me dancing but i read it like emptiness and i just could no longer stop myself from doing it. I run to her from the middle of the dance floor as if i was possesed, i hug her firmly, embraced her head, her shoulders and out of nowhere i felt how lonely this place is for her and i cried. She was not crying, it is understandable, its too early to come to peace with urself, to restart to love urself, the dirt from rape is like glued to her all. We were standing couple of minutes with hands around each others bodies, we and time stands still. My poor friend, how life could be so cruel to you? How god could be so heartless? A single parent, a widow, with children to be raped at her age by a mature man of same age whom she had feelings for? Where is ur god? Where is his god? it must be a satan himself he worships!
What i feel today had nothing to do with religion, with color of the skin, with cultural differences. I just cant get it. When u r a girl u are told to be careful for bad men, watch out. You get older and it feels like now u r grownup, independent and can live however u want! U r free! But actually we women are never free from men violence. Men will never understand how it feels to be seen and treated bad because of one single reason, cause u r a woman. Something we never choose to be. It wasnt our choice! Cant u fucking get it??
Today one soul lost its light and she is my friend. I cry for u and i know it will take many years untill u will get used to live with ur pain, it will take many years untill u put a trust in a new man. I wish i were a better friend, a normal friend, but i am afraid i cant support u the way u need, not capable. I cry for in my bed but i wont be able hold ur hand and say forget about what happened, i wish i could remove all memories fromthat terrible day. I love you so much ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
and i wish i never had that stupid fight with u.. so meaningless..cause maybe that day u could have been with me instead!
If u have a memory of violations and rapes to share, do it now. Arent we all sisters in pain? All comments on my blogg are not shared without my approval , so if u feel like u r ready to share ur story with others than me, let me know. All men should know that too many women suffered, way too many. ENOUGH is ENOUGH! !
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