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How does your memory work? 

 

In pictures? 

In voices?

Like a movie?

Like a felling?

Like a range of different feelings?

In moments?

Like a  flash?

 

it must be very individual,  a mixture of different types of memory processed by our brain and spit out in various forms.

 

A memory of sex could be like a picture or rather a moment..or several moments.. to me. A specific moment during sex that makes me horny when thinking about it. On the other hand, I like to think back. Rewinding  and forwarding "the tape" and pausing at those moments that were somehow strong or emotional. I would normally giggle or smile then. I like to do it in public transportation while waiting to arrive to my destination. Its pleasarble way to kill a time ⏰⏳. So if u see a woman in the subway ,smiling and shining, then  maybe, just maybe, she is deep into her sex memory. If i were a guy, i would approach that woman and say " i wish i were that man" and leave. Cause thats the Truth.. there is no better confirmation for a man than a woman thinking about him and getting horny and very important,  it makes her feel happy couple of seconds  🥰😍🥰 u guys should know thats very rare.. few of u can make this magic happen! And that is the reason u wanna be "that man" for any woman 🌺 

 

Then there are another type of memories, darker ones. The one that throw u in a deep black nothing, unhappy moments are recorded in the tiny cells and make u walk slowly through that sad moment of ur life over and over again. U experience it differently.. stronger..makes u sad. Sometimes u even cry.. i see them like an observer.. with tiny details passing in front of my eyes.. watching myself .. as if my soul watching my body but feeling the pain and everything.. i think one of the strongest memories i ever had was watching my dad die in my arms... From the moment he was carried in untill the last breath he gave, i remember everything. Another strong memory i described in my old diary.. i dont want to talk about it. Its dark and sometimes it frightens  me..😟

 

And then there is a memory that is related to your conscience.. it is stuck in you because of one single reason - to make u feel guilty. It pops up out of nowhere and rolls in front of ur eyes like a movie.. time after time it makes ur guilt grow . Its not a pain or dark hole. It is a feeling that u should have done something but u didnt..and it eats u up long after, corrupts ur view on urself as a good person,  reminds u that u r not flawless as u think u r. 

 

 

I am still not ready to talk about it. Or to describe it. Sometimes i think i have a piece of rock instead of a heart. 

I have written and rewritten the memory several times , yet i couldnt catch the feeling i had in the description. I cant put it in words maybe because it is a simple story , nothing special but my mind finds it somehow important . So i wont waste ur time on description of it in details. In short ,i saw a child abuse but i did nothing. It was a girl  Where i am from child abuse is not a big thing. Parents are allowed to hit own children , children get to learn how to outsmart adults and avoid violence. But this girl was a rebel type, like me, and she needed a guidance, an advice, a hug but i did nothing.  And thats why i am writing it in my diary.  My shame. My conscience..

 

So What is your memory of guilt? What is your shame?