Has it ever happened to you that u wanted to meet someone and waited for that moment but when it happened you totally missed it!? Yesterday i was in some party and had a fight, become violent and got extremely angry. Today, just one hour Ago i suddenly realised that the person i got angry at i had a crush on two years ago .. and i totally misinterpreted yesterdays incident! I am a moron and stupid fuck 🤦🏻♀️, how couldnt i recognise that shithead?! And now i have an anxiety and need to write down my thoughts 📝
Lets start from the beginning.
It happened in november 2019. There was a student party in the nightclub, the theme was Glow in the dark. I was allowed to the party because of private contact that had nothing to do with students. As Normally i just wanted to dance and shake off adhd energy in order to gain a balance. I had a glitter top, short skirt, open belly , nice boots. Party was awesome! College students are always fun! Since i was alone a group of girls "adopted" me and we were dancing together untill they changed the room but i stayed, my favorite dj was here, i was not going to move!
After a short time a gang of guys danced with me which is ok as far as they can dance. And when i was again alone , a single black guy joined me. Long, goodlooking but the most valuable was his way to dance, we had very good matching tact , synchronising well. So after short time we were in the middle of the dance floor , shitting on everything around and just dancing in pair.
As soon as i found a balance, i start, how to say, shine. Like a star 🌟. I feel like energy rays radiate and fills in a room, it made me happy. Our movements turned into more and more into tight dancing. And i started to realise that my dance might give him wrong signals. He is a student, and i am two times older than him. So i need to come to Earth and stop. So i started to disappear like hide and seek, changing partners all the time, but he was pushing others away and i end up dancing with him anyway 😁 he was charmig and funny, we were laughing, enjoying. I like to play and he liked it too. Suddenly he took me on the side and asked to go out on the terrace to smoke, i said i dont smoke. Can we just talk? I said no (just to avoid awkward moment). He wanted to buy a drink. I said no, i can buy myself. He got angry and left , came back after three minutes and we continued to dance. He was for more and more body contact, caressing my hair, i had a ponnytail. At one point he took my hair a bit harder, very determined. And i liked it..he tried to do other things but i maneuvred him so he couldnt reach his goal 😁
Anyway that night was about to end and we had short conversation where i was against keeping a contact cause i was not available which he refused to believe in. I am open with my status. No lies. He had a black hoodie, long, not big and he was from hoods 😁 he obviously didnt like i was muslim, he was like whaaaaatt, u lie to me. Maybe because muslims dont dance with afro ppl?! I dont know. I personally would dance with a devil if he can moves 😁 but of corse it is not nice to belong to "low expectation" group of ppl 😁 Anyway, i left nightclub with a thought that i am going to meet this ass anyway, no need to have any contacts. We are going to rock. I just want to dance !!! Would have been lie to say that he was not fuckable. He was. His way to play back and his way to turn dance to a conversation, to challenge in dance and to handle my cocky response. That was amazing. We had a good chemichal understanding. He was a ghetto guy and i grew up in ghetto, so a certain volume of attityde we both had in the blood! And that could feel scary for some but completely normal for us who lived in poor ghetto.
Anyway, later visits made it clear that i had it all wrong! The guy like went missing! I didnt meet him , he was never there. And i got disappointed. I wish i did this and that, i wish i took his contact.. etc etc thoughts passed my mind. Then came coronavirus and all hell broke out and i forgot. I put everything behind and forgot.
Yesterday i was on black party. It was black cause it is not allowed to party. Our lives and right to live is infringed by authorities, shitting on our right to choose. Under one year we have lived in a dictatorship and of course u cant stop life. U have to follow market economy which stipulates that no bans can stop the market! Where is a demand, there is ALWAYS a supply..governments banning is idiotic. That USA does it makes me wonder if they still follow market economy rules!! How stupid one could be to follow Chinas solution.. help me to understand 🤦🏻♀️
Anyway i had a super duper time last night. The funniest thing is that i put exactly same clothes i had on me on november 2019. In fact i had used that glitter top only once, only that day. I put together same outfit without thinking. On the party yesterday i ordered wine even though i hate it but it makes me stop to react and makes me spin, its a good way to drag disturbing parts of me and feel ready to fly 😁 dj suddenly changed music style and i knew it was because of me..yippii. i dont remember songs but it was hip-hop, black music, best... So i started the journey 😁 after some time a guy comes forward to me and dance, asks how i am, says i know u and mention a shopping mall where i am usually shopping. I took it as a warning but then we started to dance and i noticed that he is escalating very quickly in his moves, too quickly and it made me angry. But also it brought an asshole in me, so i jump on him and he had to carry me but he gets shaky legs 🤣🤣 i refuse to go down so he had to push me down. I took his escalation very negatively. He makes me spin and then i tried to avoid and the moment i turned my back he took my hair, spin me back and all of a sudden i was glued to his chest, he is long. he looks down at me and smile..and i couldnt move and from that moment i had rage flashes grow in quick steps so in a second i grabed his neck and squeezed so that he let my hair go but i didnt let my hand go. I squeezed him harder and pushed him back. After a minute he is back, hands on my waist. And i just, what the fuuuuck, which part o f fuck off u dont understand.. so i dont know when but my hand gave him in a speedy moment an openhanded slap , that very heavily landed on his face. He backed but was not angry..from that moment untill the end of the party he was back again and again trying to dance with me , asking to forgive..but i was very Cold bloded. I mean, he pulled my hair. No Fucking stranger is allowed to do that. Who the fuck does he think he is?! At some moment i couldnt breathe when he came to apoligise, i couldnt think clearly..at some moment i took a chair to thrown on his stupid head.. i was out of control.many ppl come to me to ask to forgive him, but i said no. I am a stubborn ass. I dont touch others hair, dont touch or pull mine , u little piece of nothing!
I left party not unhappy 🥰. I had a dancing moment with a gang of three guys, i noticed how they were dancing good. Its like a magnet to me to see others move. And when music was getting hiphopish i joined the gang. I am normally the only female who dance against this type of guys. I like their moves. Fascinating. After one minute i was face to face with one out of three, two others moved back, no one were left on the dance floor, only me and this amazing afro guy. This nonchalant face he tried to play to make me feel small and insignificant, which i teplied with shaking my hand as if i am trying to get rid of a fly 😁 hev was a fly..and we continued to dance-talk untill it was more synchronised dance than talk. I just Love it! I wish i could give more on the dance floor , but the thing with music and me is that i cant predecide my moves 😁 it is valid only there , spontaniously. After two songs i became very tired in body. I am not a professional dancer after all. But me and that guy were very pleased and satisfied. We created a short spontanious show 😁 which was fantastic!
So it was three in the morning and i decided to leave with my girlfriend. We had a great evening after all! Ghetto ppl can dance much better than city ppl! The only disturbing moment was this idiot who pulled my hair and all evening was almost destroyed because of that, if not the dancing guy.
Today, in the evening, couple of hours ago, when i was out and jogging, i suddenly realised ..and it was like eureka! How the hell i couldnt recognise him! Of course, the guy pulling my hair was him from november 2019. He recognised my outfit which was coincidentally exactly same! But he had a very different clothes and i completely forgot surpressed memory of mine. Thats why he was dancing as if we knew each other, which we did and he thought that i remembered him. He didnt mention the shopping mall, he mentioned the area where night club we met were located, there is even a shopping mall with same name and i assumed, by mistake, that he meant shopping mall. What a Fucking mess!!!! What an idiot i am!
Since the moment i realised that , i have anxiety. Everything could have been different if i could just recognised him in time, not 24 hours later. We could have had so much fun!!
I was looking forward to meet this guy, but when it happened, i didnt even notice that my wish came true 🤦🏻♀️ feels so not fair ! 😑 I feel regret and i shouldnt have been such an ass if i knew who he was !!!
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