Last Night i was in distress. It happens then and that when i feel miserable. i wish to disappear, be gone, as if I never existed. I feel tired and exhausted. So i burst in tears. I dont panic cause it always feel better afterwads, i think and hope. Justin Timberlake would have written new version of Cry me a river if he saw me wipping a tonn of tears that Night 😁 in this moment of weakness i wrote a message to one person who knows me quite well, he is more than a friend. I copy message below, uncensored:
"You have such a bad luck Daniel. You always manage to find broken/trasiga själar. Din asiatiska tjej, din arabiska fwb, jag.. vi är en samling av knäppisar egentligen, med avvikande beteende. Du borde sluta babysitta trasiga o hitta en vanlig normal tjej, utan konstigheter. Eller bestraffar du dig själv för något genom att just hitta oss?? 😅😁😥 Du förtjänar någon bättre. Du borde sluta offra dig för att hjälpa andra, de kommer ändå inte förstå. Det är som att kasta pärlor. Du borde välja rätt!"
In short this message is about asking him to find a normal girl in his life and stop babysitting strange people like me 😛. What i didnt write him is that i was in a dark place when i wrote that, i made it sound like a thought i just happen to have after Midnight 😁 he is quite accustomed to My strange behaviour 😁 but i am not sure if he understands what happens in My head. So when i find myself in that pitch black hole, i search for light. It could be anyone or anything, in the middle of the night or day. Some people call girls like me a drama queen but it is not quite true, it is something else
Now i Will rewind the tape to some time back in the past. Couple of years ago, I was contacted by a member of a sex site, an american living in Sweden. He told me that he thinks that i have hyperactivity, asked me To check it. I asked back, why does he think that I have it in me. He replied that My diary gave him that clue. In that diary piece i wrote about energy bombs that fills in My heart and ready to explode any time, that i feel like i have wings and fly like a hawk 🦅🦅
There are events in life that are crutial, this "advice" has put dot on many questions and weird stuff in my life. I dont know how To thank this guy, we never met and he is now gone in a virtual reality. I dont remember His profile nick but remember his life story, yes, we kept a contact for some time. He hoped To date me 😁 but i was not much entusiastic about it. He was like a good friend to me, giving advices and sharing with His sexual experiences. Our contacts were free from any sexual load from My side. My general rule : I dont fuck friends 😁 so we never fucked 😁
Anyhow, his advice led To searching information in internet. First i was in denial. What? Me and adhd? No way 🙅 but the more i Read the more i start to understand why i was like i was. Adhd gives both powers but also limitations. We have energy balls but cant run a long marathon 😂 or we can do multitasking but can lose concentration (there are medicines to Keep that in track). We are very good in launching projects but not that good to finish them 😂
I started to follow My adhd in real life and it made me smile then and so 😁 like i could make a project, write an offer, calculate everything, the email is ready to be sent and its just to double check and push "send" but then adhd-cirkus is started: i want ro drink tea, i need to use a bathroom, i have to check a file and look herr! i need to do this task first. And so on, so on. By the end of the Day i have started and not finished several tasks 🤦😁 so i decided to do changes like to start to Force myself to seat and finish task, i ignored My tea craving, need to use a bathroom and absolutely not to open any files 😋. It was almost painful all over me to go against adhd 😁 but by the end of the day it made me smile. This is a very strange syndrom and i Still cant understand why we do as we do 🙃
One Day I decided to place an ad on that sex site asking guys to share with their experience of sex with adhd girls. I received enormous amount of feedback. Both positive and negative, 50/50. Adhd girls were called psycho, idiots, needed to be locked in, abnormal. But also men who loved their sex relationships with adhd girls, that They long to meet again, that it was always loaded sex, that They missed wildness and tenderness (yes! as much as we can be wild, we search for soft and calm) of that type today. Guys reaction made me think that Many ppl have little knowledge about adhd so i decided to share with it , with how it is, in My diary. Time after Time. To Bring more awareness.
Adhd is a capacity and dimensions that should be used, not ignored. A man who owns a lawyer firm, from same sex site, wrote me that he has adhd and he gives job to adhd ppl cause he knows how to use their capacity. In general adhd ppl has difficulty to get job, we fail intervews because potential employer sees and feels that we are not like others, deviant, strange. This uncertainty of what we are makes us less popular on the market. Only ppl that has adhd gives us a chance. Now when i look back i see that so far all jobs i got was because i was interviewed by someone like me, some even more stranger. Many of us own firms where we can be accepted as we are but i think then we dont use the whole capacity we have cause, as i wrote before, we get more relaxed, laidback - i can finish tomorrow attityde 😁
Back to the beginning of My story. Time after time I need to defuse myself, something gathering in me, a part of me that controls My adhd, that i can No longer control. I dont know what is that. So i have My moments, others call it episodes, i call it moments of weakness. Many thinks that we have depressionlike feelings. I can say like that, when i am thrown in a dark hole time after time, i always search for light, it is normally good catchy song or writing here My diary or sending a message to someone i know or unknown someone. I did it before, when i didnt know i had adhd, i do it now but with more awareness than before. I Imagine it as I carry a light which at times boost so much energy that it lighten all around me and other time, it is on its way to go out but, i Will always Keep a tiny thread of it protected cause i know it Will light Up again , very very soon 💫💥🔥🔥
Here comes a picture from last weekend. I was on My way to a private party and then out of nowhere a stranger gave me a rose 🌹🥀. I dont know if like this moments of being speechless, not knowing what to say, cause simple "thank you" sounds too simple, too clische. I wish i could give a hug but then its too much 😊 . its lovely to see young ppl finding me Beautiful 🤩🤩 i am not romantic of me yet i find it kind of sweet and cute 😘🥰😍 you deserve a medal of courage🏅🌹
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